Humor

• A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.
• A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.
• A place for everything and everything in its place.
• Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
• Adonis? No, but I get that a lot.
• Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
• Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.
• All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
• All the world is a scrapbook... and I know the layout!
• All the worlds a stage Kick up your heels
• Always smile. Life is too short to frown
• Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• An apple a day is supposed to keep the doctor away, but, I prefer bananas.
• Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
• Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
• Been there, done that, scrapped a page about it.
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
• Being in love is being stupid together.
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• Beware of those who fall at your feet... they be reaching for the rug!
• Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.
• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
• Birthdays are like Boogers... the more you have the harder it is to breathe.
• Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
• Blessed are the cracked; for it is they who let in the light.
• Boys are God's way of telling you that your house is too neat.
• C is for cookie. That's good enough for me.
• Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
• CHAOS means Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome
• Comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.
• Cowboy Logic: Don't squat with yer spurs on!
• DIET, n: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
• Do or Do Not . . . There is no Try
• Do you love me? Do you love me? After years, why do you ask me now?
• Do your part to make this world a cuter place to live in.
• Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
• Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
• Don't Worry, Be Happy
• Don't Worry, Be Scrappy
• Dust - Dehydrated mud.
• Embarrassing my children: Just one more service I offer.
• Even a fish wouldn't get into trouble if it kept its mouth shut.
• Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Everyone’s a star and deserves the chance to twinkle.
• Fart Proudly.
• Fat people are harder to kidnap!!
• Fiddling around won't get you in the orchestra.
• Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
• Genius has its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
• God must love stupid people. He made so many.
• God Save the Queen... (and we'll take care of her breath)
• Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
• Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.
• Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional!
• Happy people are the fizz in the soda of life.
• He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.
• He that rideth the fence, rippeth his pants!
• He who lhs last, thinks slowest.
• Here I Am! Now what are your other two wishes?
• Housework can't kill you. But why take the chance?
• Humor is a universal language.
• Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
• Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
• I am a Heightened Listener and Expedient Communicator. (aka Town Gossip)
• I am not young enough to know everything.
• I can't cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer
• I can't dance and I'm too fat to fly!
• I do know all the answers, but I've been sworn to secrecy.
• I don't give a fig!
• I don't have a short attention span, I just.... Oh look, a kitty!!
• I don't suffer from insanity...I enjoy every minute of it!
• I don't try to be a sex bomb, I am one.
• If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
• If it's the thought that counts, why do we have fingers?
• If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane!
• I had a dream about reality. It was such a relief to wake up.
• I have a fine sense of ridiculous, but no sense of humor.
• I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
• I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
• I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
• I love giving homemade gifts. Which one of my children would you like?
• I love those moments I like to wave at them as they pass by
• I may not be much to look at, but I'm fun to watch!
• I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.
• I only work here!
• I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon!
• I scrap so I do not snap
• I scrapbook therefore, I am. Author: Hopefully just me
• I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
• I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
• I use to have an open mind...but my brains kept falling out.
• I used to have a handle on life - then it broke off.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• I will conquer my procrastination problem...Just you wait!
• I will stop putting things off. I start tomorrow!
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
• I'm a beautician, not a magician!
• I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing!
• I'm not aging, I just need repotting!
• I'm not bossy! I just have better ideas.
• I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
• I'm not in denial; I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept.
• I'm Not Speeding, I'm Qualifying
• I'm sick of being my wife's arm candy.
• I'm so far behind that I think I'm ahead!
• If a bird can fly, why can't a fly bird?
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• If at first you don't succeed... destroy all evidence that you tried!
• If mamma is not happy then the whole house is not happy ......
• If people were expected to pop out of bed, we’d all sleep in toasters.
• If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased.
• If you can't convince em'...confuse em'.
• If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
• If you obey all the rules, you'll miss out on all the fun!
• If you see a nurse smiling when things go wrong, she is probably going off duty.
• In Pig Years I'd be a football
• In times like these it helps to recall that there have always been times like th...
• Indecision may or may not be my problem.
• Ingenious humans are rarely tidy and tidy humans are rarely ingenious.
• Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the heck happened...
• Instant gratification takes too long.
• Integrity is not something you can buy. If you could, then you don't have it!
• It is a small world, but I would not want to paint it!
• It is often as sacred to laugh as it is to pray.
• It's hard to raise a family especially in the morning.
• Just keep scrapping, scrapping, scrapping!
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came tomorrow.
• Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
• Laugh at yourself before anyone else can.
• Laugh often. At yourself and others!
• Laughter burns calories.
• Laughter is an instant vacation.
• Laughter is the best medicine.
• Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
• Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid!
• Life is just one damn thing after another.
• Life is too important to take seriously.
• Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
• Life's short, play naked!
• Live so you wouldn't be afraid to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
• Look where it is and if it isn't there, it's lost.
• Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
• Make Dirt Your Friend
• Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting.
• Men are like cheese and fine wine, so much better when mature.
• Men are like fish...They get in trouble when they open their mouths!
• Money can buy a fine dog...but only love can make him wag his tail.
• Most women are not so young as they are painted.
• My dog thinks I am HER human instead of her being MY pet
• My Husband, the not-so-handy handyman
• My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
• My mother always said if you want something done right, do it yourself.
• My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!
• Never eat more then you can lift
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Never knock on deaths door, ring the door bell than run away. He hates that.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
• Never miss a good opportunity to shut-up-a-ya-mouth!
• Never play leap-frog with a unicorn.
• Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• No clock is more regular than the belly
• No good decision was ever made in a swivel chair.
• No room in my life for stupid
• Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
• Nothing says I love you like clean underwear.
• Now this is even more messed up than a football bat
• Now this is even more messed up than a soup sandwich
• Of course I don’t look busy…I did it right the first time.
• Old age ain't no place for sissies.
• On pregnancy: I cough, therefore I pee...
• One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory
• Only a TRUE PRINCESS could get away with as much as I do!
• Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men the other follow women.
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
• People who live in glass houses shouldn't walk around naked
• People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
• Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
• Put your big girl panties on and deal with it.
• Quick! Hide all the chocolate in my mouth.
• Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
• Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate.
• Runs with Decorative Scissors
• Sabbath is a time for rest, and my husband does that best!
• Savor the moments that are warm and special and giggly
• Scrapbooking is cheaper than a therapist.
• Sick Minds Think Alike
• Smile, no one will notice your shoes
• So many moods - so little time
• So much to do and so many things to distract me
• Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts
• Somebody's boring me; I think it's me.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything... then I regain consciousness.
• Sometimes I wonder...Why is that Frisbee getting bigger...and then it hits me...
• Sometimes you’re the dog, sometimes you’re the hydrant!
• So this isn't Home Sweet Home...Adjust!
• SWEATER, n: Garment worn by a child when its mother is feeling chilly.
• Take time every day to do something ridiculous.
• Take time everyday to do something silly.
• Ten Lashes with a Wet Noodle!
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
• The best man for the job is a woman.
• The buck stops here!
• The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• The family is like fudge. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
• The most important things in life are not things...
• The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
• The phrase working mother is redundant.
• The story of a mother's life: Trapped between a scream and a hug.
• The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.
• The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
• The trouble with the rat race is even if you win you are still a rat.
• The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.
• There are no nice clowns, only clowns with agendas.
• There is a fine line between hobby and mental illness.
• There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
• They say God only gives you what you can handle. Well, I must be made of steal.
• They say I have A.D.D. but they just don't understand. Oh Look! A chicken!
• Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.
• This is not a democracy, it's a monarchy and I am Queen!
• Three wise men... Be serious.
• Tis no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
• Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
• To do is to be. To be is to do. So do be do be do be do.
• To shorten winter, borrow some money due in Spring.
• URBAN COWBOY, n: One who is typically all hat and no cow.
• We don't skinny dip, we chunky dunk!
• We never really grow up; we just learn how to act in public.
• We were born crying... we must learn to laugh.
• We're all here beacuse we're not all there.
• Wear cute pajamas, you'll never know who you'll meet in your dreams.
• What comes around goes around
• When all else fails, blame Teddy
• When all else fails, blame the dog.
• When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
• When in doubt, take a bath.
• When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!!
• When my memory goes.... Please help me find my Scrapbook.
• When we ask for advice we are usually looking for an accomplice
• Where does the white go when the snow melts?
• Why isn't there MOUSE flavored cat food?
• Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
• Wisdom has two parts: having a lot to say, and not saying it.
• Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
• Work is the drinking man's curse.
• Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!
• Ya gotta be tough if you’re gonna be dumb!
• You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile.
• You better check yourself-before you wreck yourself
• You can never have too many books...or cats...or cheese!
• You can't have everything... where would you put it?
• You can't scare me… I have a two year old.
• You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
• You have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find your prince.
• You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
• You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you because you’re all the same
• You must suffer to be beautiful.